There are times, in every relationship, when you will come across a stumbling block that neither of you saw coming. You just do NOT agree with each other at ALLLLLL.
Who’s right?
Who’s wrong?
IS there a right and wrong to it all?
Today, let’s go through what to do when your husband and you just don’t agree!
What To Do When Your Husband and You Just Don’t Agree
All relationships are WORK. It takes hard work to create a successful and enjoyable relationship, to set up a life with you and your spouse together. It’s not easy, especially in the beginning.
You have two, very separate and distinct, independent lives and you need to suddenly begin creating one life (Genesis 2:24).
That’s a struggle. There are growing pains and that’s normal.
The absolute BEST thing you can do, whether you’ve been married a long time or you are engaged, is to PREVENT conflicts.
Take Preventative Measures
Think about all the things in your marriage that are patterns of conflict. Maybe it’s bills, maybe it’s in-laws, perhaps you always get mad when he doesn’t change the toilet paper roll in the bathroom. 😛
Make a list of ALL the potential arguments you see happening. If you’re not married yet, make a list of all the things that you could see being a potential conflict.
Then, it’s just about addressing them.
If it’s about bills, can you make money online to help out the finances? Can you help him give you receipts so you don’t bounce? Can you streamline and systematize things more effectively so that you always know who’s doing what, who’s taking care of what?
Does he leave his dirty socks on the bed, smelling up the bed so you have to wash the sheets more often than normal? Move a laundry hamper super near the bed so it’s easier for him to remember.
Annoyed he never changes the toilet paper roll? Get an easier setup for your toilet paper.
One of the first things I did in the house I’m at now is to change out ALL the toilet paper rolls in preparation for marriage and to help my husband have an easier life. 🙂
Instead of the two arm toilet paper roll holders, I installed one arm toilet paper roll holders. It’s such an easy fix and you can change them out yourself!
One of the problems I have with my son (this isn’t a marriage problem obviously, but a great example) is that whenever I want to go somewhere and I need him to look presentable, he looks homeless. 🙁 His hair is a mess, his clothes are wrinkled, he smells.
He would come out of his room, looking horrible and saying it’s okay. I’d send him back, he’d put on other clothes, still looking bad, and we’d go back and forth three or four times until he’d look presentable and I was so frustrated with him. Like, how are you not seeing you look bad? How can you not tell? And all this back and forth, makes me scattered and late for whatever appointment I’m going to.
The solution was to start having him take daily baths (getting him to bathe was a problem, I admit. He was just being lazy and didn’t want to do it. He fought me on it and it’s a little understandable right? I mean, he never had a father to show him this stuff, to encourage him in this way). This way, he’s always prepared. I don’t have to sit with him, smelling up the car, and being embarrassed by his “man stink”. Getting him to brush his teeth every day. And now, as he’s 16, getting him to wash his face daily.
The solution to get him to do all this? When I had fought him so much to just take care of himself…
I got him expensive, good face wash from my gifting group, a face wash that he sees results with when he uses it.
I got him an electric, nice shaver from my gifting group. Something that won’t cut him, is easy to use, but works well and does the trick.
I made a rule that he cannot play the Switch until he is showered, groomed, and teeth brushed.
After a while of those things, he is now in a habit and he doesn’t have to not play the Switch if he wants to because he hasn’t taken proper care of himself. He does those things as a habit, automatically. It’s a part of his routine. YAY! And I gotta say, it brings me great joy every time I hear that electric shaver going on. I know he’s doing it on his own and it’s a success!
For clothes, since he’s 16, I don’t feel it’s necessary for me to mother him and lay out his clothes and all that. He’s old enough to take care of those things on his own. So, I got him (yep, you guessed it, from my gifting group) 🙂 some extra clothes that are nicer clothes just for this purpose and we have a separate closet in another room where he has all of his clothes hung up, ready to wear. These are his nice clothes (think: church clothes), and everything is there, ready and waiting to be used. It’s all not wrinkled, it’s all completely ready. Grab and go.
Initially, I just used a portion of his closet to store those good clothes in, but they always ended up on the floor, so I found that using a separate closet in a different room works best for us and solved the problem.
I also worked with him on what is presentable and what is not. Those shorts look like PJ shorts, you can’t wear them out, and really training him and teaching him how to dress and take proper care of himself.
It took some time, but he does FAN-tastic now!!!
ALL of these things, I had to put into place, in order to just get him to look good when we go out. It was a lot of work, but it was worth it.
For your husband, obviously you can’t baby him like this and you don’t want to. It’s a completely different relationship. You are NOT your husband’s mom.
However, there are still things you can do. Get him a nice electric shaver, good face wash just for him, make a section in your closet with just nice clothes (suits, etc.) that maybe he wears to church. Have it all ready so that there’s no rushing around Sunday morning and you being late because of it.
Whatever the situation is, whatever you’re dealing with, whatever the problem, there is most likely a preventative measure you can take in order to avoid it in the first place. Be a problem solver and get in there and prevent fights, arguments, and conflicts!
Prevention is key to a streamlined, happy, contented marriage!!
You must be willing to bend
The great tragedy in our society today is that everyone is so ME focused and that filters into our marriages.
Most Pastors always tell you how the woman should submit to her husband and we get that. The great Pastors tell you how the husband should love his wife, but it’s left there. No further information is given.
The problem with that is that the idea of biblical submission is only half taught from pulpits and men are left feeling pompous and arrogant, better than women, and women are left feeling like they have to become a doormat or sin against our Creator.
Both ideas are wrong!
Yes, the wife should submit to her husband if he’s not asking her to sin, out of a willing heart, knowing that God first made man, in His own image and then woman to help and please our husband. But God ALSO requires the husband to love his wife. It’s in that word LOVE, that the husband ALSO submits to his wife!!!
See, in a marriage, submission is not a one-way street. BOTH husband and wife should submit to each other.
Do any study you want on God’s love and you easily come across the verse calling Christians to love one another. John 13:34-35 is one of the places you’ll see that. Matthew 22:39 is another. It talks about loving our neighbors as ourselves. Surely a man’s wife is more important to him, as it should be, than his neighbor. So therefore, he should love her more than himself.
And if a man is loving himself, he will love his wife. Doing a study on 1 Corinthians 8:13 will also help understand the love we should have toward others, submitting to our brothers and not taking liberties that we could take because it may offend them or make them stumble. A part of love is submission. It’s about doing what’s best for the other person.
This means tenderly caring for your wife, genuinely listening to her, providing for her, taking care of her. If a man feeds his own body, he should feed his wife’s also. If he loves his own body and takes care of it (brushing his teeth, dressing it, etc.), he should also care about his wife in that way, making sure she has nice, presentable clothes to wear, just as he would himself.
He doesn’t fight with himself, get angry at himself, treat himself badly and neither should he be to his wife.
Men are called to love, honor, and to submit to their wives also. In perfect harmony, the couple bends toward each other, caring for one another, seeking the best for the other.
Submission goes both ways.
Ultimately the husband has the final say of course, but only below God. God is the #1 person in the relationship and both people must not only submit to each other, out of love and concern for one another, but also submit to God and His perfect will.
Most men, due to a lack of training in our churches today and a lack of spiritual inspiration through the written word of God (men not taking the time to study the written word of God), do not know that, as is common, but no matter how you slice the bread, both you AND your husband need to bend toward one another, compromise, and work TOGETHER to accomplish God’s will and purposes in your life.
With that said, there are times when you cannot bend and we can understand that. What do you do, for example, if your husband is wanting you to participate in sexual acts you’re not comfortable with. What then? Here’s a great post on that, by the way. 🙂
What if he wants you to do something else, like sin? What if what he wants you to do is NOT sin, but you just can’t bring yourself to doing it? First, you want to determine if it’s sin or not…
Is he asking you to sin?
If your husband (or ANYone), is asking you to sin, you must NOT do it. Point blank.
Therefore, you must know your Bible, inside and out, in order to know what’s sin or not sin, correct? So we should be spending as much of our day as humanly possible, knee-deep in the pages of Scriptures.
This is something I do every single day. I’m CONSTANTLY, all day long, in the Word of God. Praying, seeking His wisdom and guidance, learning about Him, studying Him, watching Him. I love learning about my God and having that holy relationship with Him.
Being in the Scripture, and in turn, walking in the Spirit is so necessary for a proper foundation in a marriage. Because our Christian lives, our walk with God, affects our relationships!
Do you realize that how you treat God is how you treat other people? When I first learned that concept I didn’t believe it…until I started to take notice.
When I was mad at God, I was pushing everyone else around me away, mad at them too, FOR NO REASON! When I’m happy with God, I’m happy with others and our relationship with God is a direct correlation with our relationship with others.
Think about it, a wife is completely bitter at her husband. She’s really, in essence, bitter at God. She’s not seeking God, loving God, happy with God (not on the inside, although she may pretend on the outside she is). On the inside, that bitterness spills over in her relationship with the Lord.
Do you know your Bible well enough to know if your husband is asking you to sin? Are you asking your husband to sin?
You need to determine this, because that’s the first answer: never submit to someone asking you to sin, period. My ex-husband asked me to give up God or he’d leave. I let him leave. I wasn’t going to sin and give up my God and I’ve been single over 13 years because of it. It’s been rough being alone that long, caring for a family, handling it all, carrying everything on my own (I don’t have parents to help me), but I don’t regret that decision for one moment.
Why? Because I stand here to tell you I didn’t sin. I chose God and you should too. 🙂
It’s not sin
If it’s sin, you have your answer, but what if your conflict is not about sin. It has nothing to do with sin, then what?
If you are…
- Walking with the Lord, walking in the Spirit
- Bending toward your husband as a pattern of your life
- Right with God, not mad at Him, angry with Him, but in a right relationship with your Maker
- Have taken all preventative measures you possibly can
Then…go to the Lord.
Listen, in your marriage, your #1 POWER is prayer!!!!!!!!
If someone is inflicting harm upon you, who do you run to? It SHOULD BE the Lord. Because ultimately the Lord has the power to destroy even the gates of Hell! His power is unmatchable. You are His child. He loves you. Go to the Lord.
Let GOD judge between you and your husband. Let HIM decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Completely give it all over to the Lord. Cast your burdens upon the Lord (Psalm 55:22). Give everything to Him. Tell Him that you want to do what is right, that you care about your spouse, but you just can’t see eye to eye on this.
Ask God to help you see it from your husband’s perspective. Ask God to melt your husband’s heart so that he can likewise, see the situation from YOUR perspective, even if it’s just to understand you more. Ask God to grant you both PEACE in the marriage and in the situation.
Take your requests, your petition to the Lord. God is a fair judge, He sees it from BOTH perspectives perfectly. He knows who’s right and who’s wrong and sometimes, no one is right or no one is wrong. Both can be right in a situation sometimes, but it’s how we deal with it that matters.
We can let bitterness take root into our hearts and fight for our own agendas, but this is not the way of God. This is selfish and denying Christ.
Let God judge you both. Ask God to show you the situation from not only your husband’s point of view, but also from God’s. Once you can clearly see from all three angles (yours, God’s, and your husband’s), you can make a much better decision about things. 🙂
And then finally, what do you do AFTER you leave it all in God’s hands?
Wait for an answer.
Watch how God takes care of the situation.
Watch what He does, how He works. Maybe He melts your heart and you do as the Lord pleases and what your husband wants, or maybe your husband’s heart bends and he does what you want.
There will be a mix of both scenarios along your journey. Sometimes, you will get your way, sometimes your husband will get his way. That’s a marriage. But whatever God wants you to do, do it. Don’t give it to Him and then not like the answer He gives and take it back, becoming bitter and ruining your whole relationship with your husband (and God).
Let God decide. Let God tell your husband that you’re right when you’re right. Don’t go to your husband and say, “Nah nah nah nah nah, I’m right, you’re wrong.”
Let GOD be the One to tell your husband he’s wrong. You just step back from the situation and pray your guts out and when you have an answer, submit to the fair Judge who sees all, knows all, and loves you both so SO very much, whatever His answer should be!!!
