A reader writes:
I am writing about a new coworker who has no concept of boundaries.
“Hannah” is in her mid-40’s and is pretty advanced in her career (in a technical position that starts at $100K a year). She sees herself as a “grandma figure” to the Gen Z coworkers in our small office. I’ve noticed that some of these employees are patterning after her behavior and I’m concerned that it’s going to lead to damaging office norms.
Examples include encouraging the engaged women in the office to rethink their weddings — she’s going through an acrimonious divorce — and demanding all early-career coworkers exchange personal phone numbers with her so that “they can text her if they need anything, day or night.” She makes elaborate birthday gifts, demands that the women eat more because she feels they’re too thin, and frequently refers to these employees as her kids or grandkids.
Some of these colleagues have shared in conversation that her overly familiar behavior makes them uncomfortable, but that they don’t want to hurt her feelings by not playing along. Others have started way oversharing because they hear her doing the same and assume it’s normal to discuss very personal situations with casual coworkers.
Her behavior is extra strange to me because she is, at most, 20 years older than these colleagues and nowhere near what most would consider to be the age of a typical grandmother.
Hannah hasn’t done any of this to me since I’m slightly closer to her in age (31) and in a higher level role. I don’t know how to help these early-career employees set boundaries without causing a blowup since it’s clear that this woman would take any attempt at distance as a personal slight. Do I need to mind my own business? If not, how should I navigate this?
It is indeed intriguing and surprising that Hannah landed on “office grandmother” rather than the more typical (and still problematic) “office mom” and I wish we knew more about why.
As for what to do about her … I don’t think it’s yours to solve and you shouldn’t put that burden on yourself. It would be different if you were her boss or the manager of some of the people she’s being inappropriately parental (grandparental?) to, but assuming you’re not, your role is probably mostly uncomfortable bystander for this one.
However, you don’t need to censor yourself, and you’re allowed to have natural reactions to things she says. For example, if you hear her telling someone to eat more because they’re too thin, you could say, “We shouldn’t comment on people’s diets or bodies at work. It’s not our business.” If you hear her encouraging someone to call off their wedding (!), feel free to say, “Whoa, I’m sure Jane doesn’t need relationship advice from colleagues.” If she’s pushy about demanding people turn over their personal phone numbers to her, you can say, “No one needs to share that if they’d rather not.”
And if coworkers share with you that Hannah is making them uncomfortable, encourage them to push back with her and to maintain their own boundaries; assure them that Hannah is the one acting weird and they’re not weird for disliking it. You can also encourage them to talk to their managers about Hannah’s overstepping if you think it rises to that level.
Sometimes just modeling “no, this isn’t normal; yes, you’re right to think it’s strange” — as well as letting people see someone push back with her in the moment — is enough of a counterweight to keep people grounded in more sensible norms.
But beyond that, you don’t have much control over the situation, and you don’t need to take responsibility for fixing it.
