A reader writes:
For about half a year now, I’ve had a colleague (let’s call him Dave) who has a few strange quirks. He tends to look for my reaction at a lot of things other people say, and then comment on the way I react. For example: another coworker or my boss makes a joke and I laugh (while others are laughing too) and Dave looks at me, points and says, “Oh, you sure are laughing” or ‘“Look how hard Jane is laughing.” Honestly it makes me very self-conscious about smiling/laughing in the office, even though before that I was really happy/felt lucky that we had such a jovial, fun environment to work in.
He also has some other quirks such as never washing his dishes (to the point we have to put his coffee in a paper cup instead of a glass one, because he will leave dishes to literally rot on his desk) and making mean-spirited jokes about my boss, who is currently going through cancer treatment. (Not that it would be fine if he wasn’t going through cancer treatment, but it just feels like he’s kicking him when he’s down.)
On top of this, Dave recently “came out” as an empath. He explained that it meant that he feels emotions much more deeply than other people do and thus gets overwhelmed easily. He is absent very often due to things such as not having slept well or having a cold, things other people still come in for.
Is there anything I could possibly do to make him stop making these comments without making the office an uncomfortable place to be in? Should I tell my boss or grandboss about these things I’ve noticed? Or should I just let it be? He’s very chatty, so I’ve had to have headphones in almost constantly during work, which in turn makes it harder to quickly communicate with coworkers.
There is also a chance I am just overreacting or don’t understand it. Full disclosure, I am autistic, so I don’t really understand a lot of social norms. Anyhow, thank you.
Ugh, Dave. I think you’re understanding him just fine. He sounds like a garden-variety jerk whose image of himself (as an empath!) doesn’t fit his actual behavior.
I wonder if you can use his “empath” self-image to get him to stop commenting on your reactions to things. For example: “I know you’ve mentioned you’re empathetic and care a lot about people’s feelings, so can I ask you to stop commenting on my laughing or other reactions I have? It makes me self-conscious, which I know you don’t want to do.”
And when he makes a mean-spirited joke about your boss, feel free to let your response illustrate how it’s landing:
* “Ouch, that was mean.”
* “Whoa, that’s not deserved.”
* “Yikes.”
For what it’s worth, “empath” is generally used to mean someone who has a higher degree of sensitivity to the emotions of others. It doesn’t mean “colds and lack of sleep are harder on me than they are on other people.” It also doesn’t mean “I feel my own emotions much more deeply than other people do.” If anything, it sounds like Dave might be the opposite of an empath.
