It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.
There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.
Remember the letter-writer who, as the only gay man in his department, was asked to take down a photo of his baby? Here’s the update.
Shortly after I wrote to you, I talked to HR and asked if there were any rules regarding desk decor and photos displayed. There were not, and they advised me to talk to my manager. I was increasingly upset by the matter, and had several sleepless nights. So, I did ask my manager for a follow-up 1:1 to let her know that I complied and took down the photo, to ask if specific replacement photos were “acceptable,” and to convey my feelings of being targeted.
She was more nervous than I was at the meeting, but her response was largely thatshe was required to address the matter if someone felt uncomfortable. I asked her if she asked the person what specifically was bothering them about the photo, and she said that she did not. I told her that I’ve encountered prejudice before as a gay parent and that this felt similar. She encouraged me to put up any other photos as long as there was no nudity. I asked how nudity was being defined, because you could not see any butt or genitalia in the photo. I asked if a photo I had of him in a bubble bath was okay, that a nipple might be seen. That the tub blocked him from the waist down so as far as anyone knows he may be wearing a swimsuit. She said that was fine. What if i kept the same photo up but placed a “CENSORED” note over any parts that would imply nudity? She said that would be fine.
I said, “Isn’t it a bit ridiculous to try to parse out what someone else may be finding objectionable?”d I said that I was disturbed that this person wasn’t questioned, that their discomfort was catered to, but no one seemed equally concerned how I might feel to be asked to censor a photo of my son.
I documented the discussion and had plans to put up several (non-nude) photos of my son in response. I fantasized about keeping the photo up but placing a note over part of it that read “I feel sorry for small-minded people” but ultimately my heart wasn’t in it. I didn’t want any more controversy.
Word spread among coworkers about my situation and everyone was very supportive of me. A few put similar “nude but no genitalia” photos of their own kids, or an Anne Geddes photo, as their computer monitor’s wallpaper. No one noticed or complained about that.
For about a month I felt sad, and angry, and paranoid, but eventually I let it go. I never did find out who complained. Despite all of that, I have continued to grow and thrive in my position at the company, and “exceeded expectations” at my last review.
Thank you for answering my initial query and for asking for an update on my situation. I had never seen the comments to my situation on your site before now. It was interesting to see the varied points of view, and I felt validated to see that most felt that there was probably some homophobia and prejudice at play, or at the very least it was badly handled.
