A reader writes:
I’m a freelance consultant. I was recently looped into an internal messaging platform for a client I’ve had a relationship with for many years. This client initially recruited me back in 2017, and I’ve worked for them off and on since. Importantly, the client is always the entity that initiates contact with me if it’s been a while since we worked together. It’s not me going to them and saying, “Hey I have XYZ to offer, do you have interest?”
When I was added to their messaging platform, I did a quick search of my name to find out if the principal had told the team I’d be coming on, so that I could either introduce myself properly or simply jump right into the project. Perhaps you see where this is going. As far as I knew, I had access to only one, private channel attached to this specific project, but the name search turned up conversations across the entire platform about me and my work dating back to 2017.
The conversations are pretty awful, and the worst take place between several people (including the firm’s principal, with whom I have the most contact) over about two months between 2017/2018. I am called lazy and arrogant and a pain in the ass. There is speculation that I am not very bright. Everyone agrees I am difficult to work with. They even had (have?) an unkind nickname for me. Then, the conversations about me mostly drop off — either my client shifted the way they used the platform, moved the talk to DMs, or deleted content, I don’t know. I understand workplace venting, but this seemed beyond that.
This is one of my longest-running clients; I have always felt that we had a positive relationship. I wasn’t told that I needed shape up or ship out. They repeatedly offer me business and ask me to work for them. A few months ago, when I announced that I was taking on new projects, the client reached out to me and said how excited they were that my time was freed up, and could I do XYZ for them? I agreed, and we’ve been meeting on a near-weekly basis since then, and every meeting is filled with the principal issuing effusive praise for my work, my intellect, my creativity, etc. The principal has described me as part of their company’s “family.” The current project doesn’t have a hard wrap-up date, and I’d estimate we’re only about a third of the way to completion.
But I can’t un-know what I know. The unkind things the principal and others who I work/worked closely with said about me hit at very personal wounds and fears for me. At present, this client is a significant part of my income stream, though I can make it work without them. I’m really dejected and full of shame about this. If I had known this client had problems with my work or my attitude, I would have tried to correct or improve those things.
I should not have searched my name; lesson learned. The shitty way I feel right now feels like the right punishment for such a bad decision. Nevertheless, I feel betrayed by people who I thought appreciated me and my work. I am successful and respected in my field, or thought I was. Now I wonder if everyone thinks I am a lazy, arrogant pain in the ass.
I’m really at a loss. I don’t know what to do.
Oh no. What a horrible feeling.
If I’m understanding correctly, though, this stoped back in 2018 — six years ago. And they’ve been regularly approaching you for work since then.
I think there’s more to this than what you saw.
First, it’s notable that it stopped so many years ago. Clearly something changed. Maybe they really thought those things back then but then something changed their perspective — maybe they got more experience working with consultants and realized that Normal Thing X that annoyed them is completely standard in the field, or they worked with a coach and learned the way they assigned work wasn’t setting anyone up for success and the things they thought were failings in you were actually caused by them, or who knows what.
It’s also possible that the firm’s principal didn’t mean the things they said at all. Some people have a habit of throwing outsiders under the bus when a project isn’t going well, or to appease an internal problem person, or even to vent frustration, when they don’t actually mean any of it. Obviously that’s an awful habit, and it means people around them shouldn’t trust anything they say, but it could be in play here.
It’s also possible that they truly found you tough to work with and still feel that way today, but continue to approach you for projects because they’ve decided the benefits of working with you outweigh the downsides. If that’s the case, this is useful data — an unvarnished view of how a client sees you that you normally wouldn’t get! You could use it as an chance to take a rigorous look at the feedback and decide whether you think there’s truth to it, whether there’s anything you want to adjust, and whether you even care.
You mentioned that the comments tapped into deeply personal fears you already had, and I’m curious whether that means you’ve already worried that you came across as the things they said? If so, okay! Now you know. That means you can decide to work on those things if you want to. For example, if you’ve always had a nagging worry that people think you’re arrogant and now you see a client calling you arrogant, maybe the right response to that is to decide that you’re going to figure out what’s giving people that impression once and for all and strategize to change it.
Or, depending on what the criticisms were, you might reasonably decide you don’t care! I have one client who I’m pretty sure is annoyed by my refusal to budge on a specific thing they want, and I don’t really care — I’m comfortable with my boundary, I’m willing to lose them if it’s a problem for them, and while I’d prefer they not be aggravated or complaining about it to each other, it’s okay if they are.
Ultimately all of this is speculation, but what we do know for sure is that in the six years since those messages were sent, they have continued to frequently approach you for work. If nothing else, they are calculating that whatever challenges they might find in working with you, they still do want to work with you.
If everyone really does think you’re a lazy, arrogant pain in the ass, they clearly think your work is good enough to trump that anyway.
And look, there’s no way seeing those comments won’t sting. Of course it does! But this is likely to be much more nuanced than just “I learned my long-time client dislikes me.”
