A reader writes:
I have an extremely low-stakes question: Is there a way to say “did you receive my gift?” that doesn’t come off as aggressively asking to be thanked but instead expresses what I really want to know, which is, “FedEx/etc said it was delivered but was it really? Or do I need to investigate?”
My workplace has a very flexible work-from-home policy so I don’t necessarily see the small team I manage in person on a predictable schedule. This was complicated this year by me catching a cold and working from home the whole last week before our two-week winter break.
I sent the same type of gift I send every year (normally very enthusiastically received). I got emails from the vendor that they were delivered, and only one person texted to say she received it. I waited two days and then sent texts to the three others to be sure the gifts arrived. Everyone responded that they had and “thank you” and “sorry, I was waiting to thank you in person (which would have been in over two weeks at that point). Then I felt like I’d been pushy. I honestly just wanted to know if I needed to investigate an issue!
This has happened in my personal life as well. Right now it has been over a year since attending my friend’s wedding and I haven’t received a thank-you note for the gift I sent. I’m wondering he thinks I’m cheap or unmannered and just opted out of gifting. I don’t want to ask because several years ago I did ask a friend about a gift more than a year after his wedding and I received a hastily written thank-you note the next week. I don’t need thanks! I just need to know you got it!
I was able to solve this with my bother re: gifts for my niblings easily enough; I said that it was important to me to get a “hey, got the package” text, even if it’s not important to him to send one. But I can’t say that to my team members or when it’s a one-off gift. Am I the only one who worries about this and I just need to tamp down my anxiety? Start gifting in person?
You are not the only one who worries about this, and you are right that it’s hard to navigate without coming across as if you’re fishing for a thank-you.
The easiest way to avoid it is indeed to give the gift in person, but that’s not always possible or practical.
The next easiest approach is to send a note close to the time you expect the gift to arrive, saying something like, “I sent you something small in the mail — it should arrive this week.” That way, they’ll know to let you know if nothing arrives. If you want, you can even add, “I’m always nervous about the mail at this time of year so please let me know if it doesn’t arrive.” But after that, you don’t need to follow up; you’ve alerted them that it’s coming, and so the part you’re worried about is taken care of.
Of course, it’s still possible that they might not alert you if the gift doesn’t arrive — because they’re forgetful or they feel awkward about telling you they didn’t receive anything — but you’ll have taken reasonable steps and don’t really need to cover every possible base. The exception would be if the gift is something so valuable that it warrants additional follow-up — but I’m guessing you’re not sending team members diamond jewelry or anything like that.
Alternately, it’s not that big of a deal if you want to just say, “Hey, did you get the package I sent you?” But since you’re looking for alternatives, these are some.
