It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Writing group member won’t stop talking and we can’t get any work done
I work at an academic institution, and am a member of a writing group that includes people across different departments. We meet every few weeks to write as a way of carving out time for this work, and to hold each other accountable. We usually talk a bit right at the beginning of each session, take a break in the middle, and then chat briefly before leaving.
One member, however, loves to monologue, mostly about their own work, which is in a fairly arcane field, and which the rest of us do not fully understand. This member will often come in late, when the rest of us have started working, and start talking. This is fine, but they will not. Stop. Talking. They talk at everyone else, with little in the way of response, often for 30-45 minutes at a time. Aside from it being extremely draining having to be at the receiving end of this, my time is limited, and I really look forward to being able to write during these sessions, not listen to the nuances of the other person’s work. Any time they reach what I think is the end of what they want to say, I try to turn back to my writing or say, “Okay, time to write now,” but they continue talking. This person has a strong personality, which is why I think other members have neglected to try to stop them as well. It has gotten to the point where, as much as I enjoy the group otherwise, I would rather plan some time to work myself then lose so much to this rambling.
The members would all like to meet again in a few weeks, and I am struggling with how to say that I am happy to meet again, but I really need to buckle down and work. Such a statement would clearly be directed at one person, and I don’t want to start any drama. Beyond that, this person and I had a minor argument over an unrelated manner the last time we met, and I don’t want them to think I am trying to isolate them because of that instance. I don’t have any problem with this person otherwise, I just want my writing group to function as a writing group!
In the discussion about setting up the next meeting, why not say, “I’d love to set up the next meeting, but I really need quiet time to write. We’ve had lots of talking at the last meetings, which makes it tough for me to focus. If some of the group wants to talk and some wants quiet writing time, could we split into two groups so everyone gets what they need from the time?”
And then if the monologuer shows up for the “quiet” group session, you’ll be on solid ground saying, “Like we talked about, I really need quiet writing time. Can we save conversation for the end?”
2. Boss gave me mixed feedback on a task, then framed an interview question for a new hire around that exact task
I have been struggling lately with how my manager, Carrie, communicates with me, and I’m trying to figure out if this is something I should swallow or if it’s worth raising with her, and if so, how best to do that.
A few weeks ago, Carrie asked if I would join her at a meeting with two senior leaders she reports to, to provide an update on a project I’ve been working on but that she is officially responsible for. Later, Carrie decided the meeting agenda was too packed for me to join, so she asked me to prepare two PowerPoint slides to share with them instead.
The project has been to track progress on a high-level organization-wide plan and to document the status of 40 recommendations across four work areas. This is not information that can be meaningfully condensed into two slides. Wondering if she had something specific in mind for how she wanted me to present it, I asked for more guidance on what she wanted me to share. She said, “Just a recap on how things are going – what’s stalled, what’s moving, what hasn’t started, etc.”
I made the call to present the information in five slides – an overall summary, and one each for the four work areas and the recommendations for each. I shared the slides with Carrie and she said over instant message, “Although you went waaaayyyy over 1 to 2 slides, I understand why you did based on the info you provided! Thanks for this — it looks great and I like how you’ve provided the context for each work area diplomatically.”
If Carrie liked what I did and understood why I chose the approach I did, even if it wasn’t within the parameters she initially set out, why belabor the point? It felt unnecessarily petty, and a poor way to give feedback – especially in a written format where any lighthearted tone she may have intended was completely lost.
Then, later in the week, she asked me to review and comment on a draft of interview questions for a new hire for our team. When I reviewed it, I saw one is a scenario-based question framed around exactly the task she asked me to do: “How would you approach creating three slides for a presentation your manager needs to give on a project you’ve been working on but they provided minimal guidance on the content they want?” The qualities the question is intended to explore are “initiative and ability to work with minimal direction, while ensuring the content aligns with project goals. Look for creativity, organization, and proactive communication with their manager.”
Asking this question feels like a dig at me, somehow, given the feedback she gave me on how I handled this exact task. At minimum, she seems wildly unaware of how asking this question in an interview I am participating in would make me feel. How should I handle this? Is it worth talking to her about it? Or should I just let it go?
I think you’re reading too much into it. First, Carrie’s feedback doesn’t sound that mixed; it sounds positive. She noted you produced more than she asked for but also said she realized why, and she said it was great. That’s positive. If anything, though, she might have appreciated an earlier heads-up when you first decided to do additional slides so that she’d have a chance to say, “That won’t work since I already have too many. Can you condense it into three?” It’s always smart to alert your boss in advance when you don’t think you can do something within the constraints they assigned.
The timing of the interview question is, admittedly, a little weird. But I wouldn’t interpret that so negatively either. For all we know, Carrie appreciated what you did and it spurred her to screen for someone who would similar take initiative to problem-solve — or, sure, maybe the mention of “proactive communication” instead is getting at the point above. But it’s also possible that the question has nothing to do with what just happened (especially if she asks for slides a lot).
If it’s bugging you, you can always ask her: “I saw the interview question on X and wondered it stemmed from how I handled the slides the other day. Is that something you’d want me to do differently in the future?”
But I’d bet it’s no big deal at all.
3. Coworkers’ snack bar is in another coworker’s work area
I’ve got a low-stakes question for you. My coworkers have decided to start bringing in different kinds of snacks for people to snack on throughout the day (on their own dollar, which I really don’t think they should be doing on principle, but hey whatever makes them happy). The snacks have been moved around to a couple of different spots, but eventually the snack bar coworkers moved everything next to the mini-fridge in our area. The problem with that is it’s encroaching into someone else’s desk space! (We’re in an open office space. The mini-fridge is in a corner, and someone’s desk is right next to it. They’ve lined up the containers along the windows behind the fridge, but the windows go into this person’s desk space.)
It’s not my desk space, so I don’t really have the grounds to say something. Do I say something to my coworker whose space is being used? She’s relatively new, so she might not want to rock the boat about this. I just feel like this is extremely rude! There are other places to set up these snacks, why are you choosing one that’s already being used?
(Note: the snacks are all either still in their sealed packaging or are in sealable tupperware-type containers. No one’s said anything about any possible issues of just leaving food out and about for weeks at a time, and I don’t think it’s serious enough to raise to anyone.)
Eh. It’s minor enough that it would be completely fine to leave it alone or to say something. If the coworker whose space is being used weren’t new or were known to be reasonably assertive, I’d stay out of it. But since she’s new, it would be considerate to either (a) say, “Hey, can we move these somewhere where they’re not encroaching on Jane’s desk space?” or (b) ask Jane, “Does it bother you that these are being kept here? I can suggest they move them if it does.”
4. What’s up with the term “grandboss”?
I keep seeing the term “grandboss” on your site, and elsewhere. I have an immediate, nearly physical reaction of disgust to this term. The idea that your boss or your workplace is your family makes my skin crawl, and the idea of my boss’s boss specifically being my “granddaddy” somehow crosses the line even more to the point that it feels really yucky.
I’m confused. Why do you use this term? Why do others use it? I genuinely want to understand, because I can’t even begin to fathom accepting this as a normal thing, it just feels beyond gross and creepy to me.
I love your blog and I nearly always agree with your takes and enjoy your responses, so the use of this term and general acceptance of its use from others really throws me.
It’s just because “boss’s boss” or “boss’s boss’s boss” is unwieldy” and “grandboss” captures the hierarchy quickly in a way that’s easy to intuit.
No one actually thinks of their boss’s boss as a grandparent figure; it’s just easy shorthand. (I would fully agree with your disgust if anyone was actually using “granddaddy,” “grandma,” etc., but no one is using those — they’ve just borrowed “grand.”)
5. Can managers ever really get anonymous feedback?
We are a small team (fewer than 10 employees) at a large hi-tech company. There are plenty of avenues for team leaders and managers to give feedback to their reports, but nothing official in place for employees to give feedback to their higher ups.
My relatively new team leader (a little over a year) wants to institute a way for our team to give him feedback anonymously but doesn’t know how to go about it. When he brought it up at a recent meeting, one of my coworkers pointed out that it wouldn’t be truly anonymous as we are a very small team and it would be easy to figure it out, especially as some issues only apply to one person. Is there a way to ask for and receive truly anonymous feedback from your reports?
If you have a very large team, yes. Although even then, a lot of people will worry the feedback isn’t really anonymous (sometimes it’s really not) and won’t be candid. But on a small team, it’s often very easy to figure out who said what (and even more so if the survey includes any sort of job function or demographics).
It’s better for managers to create an environment where people feel safe giving feedback, even if it’s not anonymous (and which ideally would include cultivating good relationships between the team and the manager’s own boss, so there’s another path for feedback if something is really significant).
Related:
why do managers say they want feedback and then get annoyed when they get it?
how to get your staff to be more honest with you
