It’s the annual Ask a Manager speed round! Until 3:30 pm ET today, I’ll be answering questions live.
How to ask questions: Submit a question using the form here. (Don’t leave your question in the comment section; I won’t see it there.) If you submitted a question yesterday, there’s no need to submit it again; I’ve got it in my queue.
How to read answers live: Refresh the page to see new questions/answers. I’ll post new answers at the top as I go so you don’t have to scroll down to see the latest.
Other info: It’s a speed round so these are going to be quick answers. We’ll see how many I can get through.
38. Too much dog time?
My boss loves to start remote meetings by putting their cat on camera. I don’t want to be a party pooper, but we have work to do! The five minutes of baby talk about how good their cat is, is starting to drive me crazy. Is there anything I can do about this?
Can you feasibly say at the start of the meeting, “I’ve got a hard stop at 2:00, so can we jump right in?”
37. Habits of a bookworm
Do you read paper books, e-books, or both?
I never expected this, but I’m 100% ebooks now.
36. Younger queer coworker keeps outing older queer me
I’m queer and 50, out to my close colleagues and absolutely everyone in my non-work life. I have a younger colleague who is also queer and I’ve noticed they keep bringing up our mutual queerness in front of coworkers who I wouldn’t have mentioned it to because they aren’t a “work friend.” What’s a good script I can use to tell my colleague that I’m not ashamed, exactly, but past experience with homophobic coworkers means I want to come out on my own terms when I do?
“Hey, I’m selective about who I’m out to at work, so please let me choose who I share that with.”
35. When the LW’s coworkers see their question
AAM is anonymous, but often if enough details are given (which is often a necessity to getting help), it might not be that hard for a coworker to identify the writer. What would you say to someone who wants help but is afraid to write in because their coworkers might see it?
Sometimes letter-writers ask me for help ensuring they’ll stay anonymous and we’ll sometimes do things like add some details that won’t change the answer but will make it sound less like them (for example, including an industry that isn’t theirs, a team size that’s clearly not theirs, a job title that isn’t theirs, etc.). It’s useful for people to tell me when they’re doing that so that I don’t inadvertently edit it out because it seems extraneous, and also in case those details might change the answer in some way (in which case I can suggest different options).
34. First question
When did you get your first question ever?
When I started the site, I didn’t know if I would get any questions at all, so my early posts were just me writing advice in a non-Q&A format (perhaps that’s called a rant?). But letters started coming in by month two, and that’s mostly been the format ever since.
33. Can I be excused?
Is there a polite way to excuse myself from a zoom meeting when the other person is trying to problem solve something on their own but it relates to a project I’m responsible for? I have a coworker, who I like and would like to keep up a good relationship with, but they have a quirk that drives me batty. Sometimes when we’re meeting virtually, we’ll come across a roadblock/hurdle for our joint project. My working style preference is for us to hop off the zoom, figure out what we need to do, then hop back on.
Colleague seems to prefer for us to stay on zoom as they slowly talk to themselves as they try to figure out the issue. This has gone on for over an hour before, and when I’ve said I need to get off they have seemed a bit offended. I feel like it’s not productive for me to sit there as they mumble, “Hmm maybe….(typing multiple seconds) hmmm… no (typing + long pause) mmm… maybe…” repeat.
This can go on and on and it just drives me crazy. It’s always for projects that are assigned to us both, so it’s not like I’m expecting them to do everything, I just really don’t enjoy sitting on a zoom while someone is working like that.
“It’s going to be easier for me to hop off and figure this out so I’m going to jump off and will message you once I’ve got it.”
If you’re just waiting them and don’t need to do anything yourself: “I’m swamped today so I’m going to jump off and give you some time to do this. Message me if you want to pick it back up afterwards!”
32. “Please advise”
I get irrationally annoyed when folks use the phrase “please advise” in emails to me. I don’t entirely know why I feel this way — maybe it’s because it’s a directive instead of a question? It feels too formal?
I am the only one, or are there other “please advise” haters out in the world too?
I don’t like it either! Not to the point that I’d suggest someone working for me not use it in their emails (maybe if there was a bigger issue of them coming across as overly formal/chilly emails) but I do not enjoy it. I think it’s because most people who write that don’t talk that way in person, and emails are generally more effectively written if they sound like an actual human talking.
31. I hate getting feedback
I get physically ill when getting feedback and even good feedback feels like a dagger if it isn’t perfect. It is so bad that my partner has to read emails from my boss first and then tell me it is safe to read. I apparently do my job well and get good reviews but it hurts to even get “meets expectations” or even mild constructive criticism, even when I KNOW it is something I need to work on.
Therapy. This reaction is rooted in something; it’s not happening randomly. For example: any chance you grew up in a household where you were expected to be perfect and/or even minor mistakes generated outsized/scary reactions? Or had a perfectionist parent who themselves reacted to feedback the way you are, thus wiring you to do the job?
I’m guessing the issue isn’t confined to work and is popping up in other areas of your life, but even if it isn’t, this is a terrible way to go through life and you deserve to sort it out so that you’re not living with this constant dread. A therapist can help you figure out where it came from and help you see that whatever your brain is reacting to is something other than your current circumstances (which is the first step to draining it of its power).
30. Volunteer positions on a resume
I’m currently a stay at home mom but will be re-entering the workforce soon. I was previously a teacher and will probably go back to something in the education world. I am currently the VP of the PTA and was previously President of the local chapter of a national organization for parents. Both of these positions were elected by the members in the organization. Obviously, these aren’t “work experiences,” but is there a place for them on a resume?
Yes, definitely! Put them in a Community Involvement or Volunteer section.
29. Politely dodging lunch invitations
I used to attend monthly lunches with a group of coworkers in similar roles, which were helpful for getting to know each other, sharing tips, etc. I’ve now been promoted to a different role. The organizer has shifted the lunches to a more social format and keeps including me on the invitations. When people decline the invitations, she insists on finding a time that works for all. Is it rude for me to continue to ignore or decline the calendar invitations, or is there a better way for me to opt out of these social lunches without seeing cold?
“Thanks so much for trying to find a time that would work for me! My calendar has gotten really packed and it’s tough to fit in anything optional right now. If I can start attending again at some point in the future, I’ll let you know.”
28. Commenters
Does it annoy you when commenters give the exact same advice to the letter writer that you did, without acknowledging they’re saying the same thing you said? It drives me batty and I don’t know if I should continue being annoyed on your behalf!
It doesn’t bother me! The nature of comment sections is that people give their own thoughts, usually without regard to whether something similar has already been said. And sometimes it’s just a way of saying “I agree with this” but in their own words.
Feel feel not to be annoyed on my behalf!
27. Would you rather…
Would you rather have a crappy boss and 10 great coworkers or a great boss and 10 crappy coworkers? Why?
I dispute the premise! If you truly have a great boss, you won’t have 10 crappy coworkers, by definition.
26. Shushing coworkers
This just happened 5 minutes ago and I need an attitude check. In our building, I work adjacent to the lobby and have to cross the lobby and pass the meeting room off of the lobby every time I use the restroom. Inevitably, a coworker stops to chat about work which is fine with me because otherwise I work in a windowless room by myself (completely different issue). There is a meeting happening in this space today — which I would have no way of knowing until I passed a door with a small window and I looked in and noticed people meeting.
Today, a coworker stopped me and started talking, normal inside voices, but in a lobby of tile, glass and a waterfall, apparently they could hear our voices in the meeting room and a gentlemen stepped out and “shushed” us. No words, just “shush, shush, shhhhhhhhhh” and stared at us and pointed to a sign that said a meeting was in progress. This sign was not on the door of the meeting room, but on the white wall across from it on a white piece of paper — which I admittedly did not notice. In the long run this is a non-issue, but it rubbed me the wrong way. Obviously I’m going to let this go, but should people shush others at work?
The way he did it was rude. It’s fine to say, “We’re having trouble hearing in the meeting — could you keep your voices down?” but just a literal “shush” is rude.
25. Resumes
Do you prefer resumes with periods at the end of each statement or no periods?
Doesn’t matter, just be consistent throughout with whichever way you pick.
24. Freelance clients who don’t pay well
I’ve seen a few LinkedIn “influencers” imply that if you take a freelance gig that doesn’t pay well, it’s OK to do a half-assed job. I tend to think if you accepted the assignment, your work should be as good as it would be for higher-paying clients. You always have the option not to accept the job, after all. What do you think?
That’s terrible advice, and a good way to build a crappy reputation. The way you get better and better positioned as a freelancer (and thus usually better and better paid, and better able to pick and choose what clients and projects you take) is by doing good work and building a good reputation.
If you don’t think the money is worth the work, don’t accept the job. If you accept it, don’t half-ass it (unless you explicitly arrange that with the client ahead of time, like “for $X, I could do X and Y but not Z”).
23. Best general interview questions
I’m doing first round interviews for a position next week. Got any suggestions to freshen up those general questions we typically ask? You know, tell us about yourself, what about this position excites you, etc.
Don’t look at it as needing to freshen up your questions. Look at it as needing questions that really hone in on the specific, concrete things that will make someone successful in the role. So draw up a list of the must-have qualities and experiences and then ask questions that get people talking about times they’ve done those things/demonstrated those qualities in the past. That will tell you so much more than any generic internet list of questions.
22. Upset when work drinks cancelled
My team have a regularly-scheduled work drinks that is quite often called off last-minute because people aren’t feeling it. I really enjoy these drinks, particularly as it’s a chance to catch up with colleagues outside of those I directly work with, and them being called off always makes me feel down. Can I bring this up to my colleagues without sounding like a friendless weirdo?
Eh, I think you’ve got to let it go. If people aren’t feeling it — they’re tired, have stuff outside of work they need to deal with, or just don’t feel up to after-work socializing at the moment — you shouldn’t pressure them into doing it anyway. Instead, can you build this likelihood into your expectations from the start and just always know that the drinks event is always somewhat tentative and subject to change, so you’re not seeing as a such a concrete Will Happen when in reality it’s more of a Might Happen?
21. Salaried non-exempt
How is overtime calculated for salaried non-exempt employees?
Same way as always for non-exempt employees: for all hours over 40 that you work in a week, you must be paid time and a half.
20. Are cropped shirts always inappropriate for work?
While contemplating an outfit for an indoor/outdoor work event (usually a remote and very casual office), I thought about wearing a high-necked black crop top that I have with a pair of palazzo pants that is so high waisted the crop top is actually longer than them, with a lightweight oversized cardigan over it, but chickened out under the assumption that crop tops are never appropriate. What do you think?
Crop tops that reveal your midriff aren’t appropriate for most workplaces. But you’re saying no midriff skin shows with this outfit because of how high-waisted the pants are, so the rule doesn’t apply (as long as that’s true the whole time you’re wearing it and doesn’t change if you, for example, bend over or stretch).
19. Boredom
If I’m bored at work constantly, is it just not the job for me?
Maybe. Are you willing to trade boredom for money? Some people are. Is it important to you to build a career where you advance, do work that you’re intellectually engaged by, and/or find meaning in what you’re doing? If so, then it might not be for you. Our culture tells us that we’re supposed to find meaning and joy in our work (well, it tells a certain socioeconomic portion of us, anyway, because it definitely doesn’t tell all of us) but not everyone looks at work that way and you’re not required to. All of which is to say, you’ve got to look internally on this one.
18. Coworker retiring after tragedy
I have a coworker who recently announced their upcoming retirement. Normally I’d congratulate them and generally treat this as something to celebrate, but this coworker recently experienced a personal tragedy and it seems likely that this event at least partially prompted their decision to retire. The office is having a retirement party for this coworker soon — what tone should I take when both “congratulations” and “my condolences” feel inappropriate?
I think neither of those. Just: “It’s been great working with you, and I’m going to miss you.”
17. Cats!
Can we get an update on (and preferably photos of) your resident kitties?
A surprisingly high number of cat-related questions have been submitted, so I think I’ll need to do a cat info post soon. The last time I included it in a list of other questions it drowned out everything else. (Entirely reasonably.)
16. Field-specific conferences
I’ve shifted from academia to business and find myself perplexed by the purpose of field-specific business conferences. I can’t tell what they’re for! What are you supposed to do at, say, the Northeastern Teapot Makers’ Association conference?
Lots of it is networking. LOTS. But you’ll also normally find sessions on things like relevant to the field — so the Northeastern Teapot Makers’ Association conference might have sessions on recent developments in spout technology, the legislative landscape for teapot makers, how new regulations in Vermont are playing out on the ground, attracting non-traditional candidates to the field, building a social media program for your teapots, and so forth.
15. QTMFJA
Another advice columnist I read occasionally has an acronym for when he wants to make it clear to a letter writer that they have stayed in a relationship for too long in the face of unreasonable behavior and need to dump their partner.
What would your acronym be? Something along the lines of: TTBYR (Time To Brush Up Your Resume), TJINRFY (This Job Is No Longer Right For You), DTEES (Deploy The Emergency Exit Slide), SYJH (Start Your Job Hunt)?
YBSAIGTC
Your boss sucks and isn’t going to change.
It’s not very catchy.
14. Being glutened at work
I have a severe intolerance to gluten — think similar reaction that celiac people have. At work I avoid pretty much everything that I haven’t brought in myself due to “hidden gluten” or fear of cross contamination. I have very pushy coworkers who won’t accept a “no” for an answer. What’s a more polite way to say “I know you said you read all the labels, but if you made a mistake I will be pooping blood in an hour, and I can’t risk that”?
“Thank you, but I’m under strict orders from my doctor not to make exceptions.”
“Thank you, but no.”
“It’s a medical restriction and it’s not flexible.”
If someone keeps pushing after one of those, they’re being rude — but you don’t need to convince them or even engage at all. Change the subject, find a reason you need to leave the room, etc.
13. Paid leave
A former employer offered paid days off for jury duty. A condition to receive the paid time off was that we had to pay them the money the court gave us for serving on a jury.
It’s a pretty common policy. The idea is that you’re not supposed to profit off of jury duty.
12. Apologizing vs. thanking
I had a mentor advise that, if I’m responding later than anticipated, I should use “thank you for your patience” rather that “sorry for the delay.” Do you have any thoughts or feelings on the distinction?
A lot of people recommend this. I don’t always love it! It makes sense in situations where you really don’t need to apologize (and it can be a particularly useful switch for people who over-apologize), but I’d be mildly annoyed if someone made me wait for them (not for an email, but for a call or in-person appointment) and then said “thank you for your patience” rather than just apologizing — I’d prefer they take responsibility for the delay.
11. Is naming a baby Donald a political statement?
Donald was the name of a beloved and favorite uncle of mine. He died before 2016. If I had kids, I always wanted to name one of my children after him. Now that I’m pregnant, I’m wondering if my coworkers will think negatively of me for naming my baby Donald. Is the name tainted? Or I am just overthinking things? (My last name is not Trump).
Donald is not a tainted name (so far, anyway). It’s not like naming your baby Adolph. Go ahead and use it. LET’S ALL RECLAIM DONALD.
10. Book recommendations
If you read quite often, and I think you do, do you just recommend the book that you finished reading that week in your weekly book recommendations? Have you ever not finished reading a book because you just couldn’t get through it?
I give up on books ALL THE TIME. I won’t stick with a book if I’m not liking it (and I’m currently in a slump where I’m not finishing a ton of books I start) and I won’t recommend it here if I didn’t like it. A lot of my book recommendations here are things I read recently, but I also have a long list of previous stuff that I liked but haven’t recommended here yet that I can always pull from if needed. (In fact, a couple of weeks ago I recommended Fleishman Is In Trouble and my husband saw it and was like, “Oh are you in a reading slump?” because he knows it’s been a couple of years since I read it and I felt very known in that moment.)
9. One piece of advice for new managers
You have a lot of great advice on your blog for new managers, but if you were to have to pick ONE top tip for new managers, what would it be?
Say what’s in your head. This applies to everything from laying out expectations for what a particular piece of work should look like and how someone should approach it to addressing problems. If you have thoughts that are going to affect how successful you think someone is in their role, they need to hear those thoughts, explicitly, from you. Don’t expect people to read your mind.
8. Things to know before you start
What would be good things to ask before your first day of work, and when should I ask? The number of times I’ve been awkwardly waiting at the front door of the business until someone let me in isn’t a lot, but enough to be embarrassing.
Ask about dress code (if it wasn’t already quite clear from your interview) and what time you should arrive. Nothing beyond that is universally essential, although if you want to you can also ask if you there’s anything in particular you should prepare ahead of time. (There shouldn’t be! You shouldn’t be asked to do work before you start. But saying that will sometimes elicit useful info about hat to expect on your first day.)
7. Surprise Me button
Your Surprise Me button is probably my favorite thing on the Internet but I’m always sad when I want to comment on an oldie because you close the comments so quickly after a new column goes up. Why is that? I comment occasionally on current posts during the window but I often find old posts I’d love to ask for an update on!
A few reasons: Moderation takes time and energy and there’s a much lower return on investment after the first couple of days a post is up (since the conversation has mostly moved on after that point— and for some reason late-arriving comments are much more likely to be odd or off-topic). Also, older posts attract more spam.
6. Etiquette around gifted baked goods
Not exactly high-stakes, but what is the etiquette around receiving baked goods? When I was first starting out in my career, I had an acquaintance from another department bake me a birthday cake. Less than half of it was eaten by the end of the day and I didn’t know what else to do with it, so I decided to take it home (we didn’t have access to tupperware and I didn’t want it to attract critters). The baker caught me walking out with it and did NOT like that I was taking it home. It seemed like she didn’t want me to take her plate home and heavily implied that I was robbing others from being able to enjoy the cake. I ended up still bring it home, but did I commit some major faux pas?
No! Typically if someone brings food in for you, you get the leftovers unless other arrangements are explicitly requested. You presumably weren’t intended to steal her plate and were using it for necessary transport, then would have washed it and returned it. This is normal. Your coworker was being weird.
5. Badgers in the office
If there’s a family of badgers living in a supply closet in our office and the company refuses to do anything about it since they insist it’s the exterminator’s job and the exterminator says they don’t handle badgers, what should we as employees do? We are scared of the badgers.
This is super out of my wheelhouse, but can someone call a wildlife relocator instead? Why are we exterminating these badgers rather than moving them to a more suitable habitat?
4. Gossip or fair game?
If another coworker leaves something in the copier/printer that indicates they will be leaving your employer (think copy of a driver’s license or passport) that you discover by accident, is that knowledge gossip or privileged? Or is it fair game to share with other colleagues?
It’s not fair game to share. If it was meant to be private, treat it as private. (But also, I would’t assume copying a license or passport indicates they’re applying for a job, particularly since those documents generally need to be examined in person anyway.)
3. Weird offboarding experience
I’m leaving my job at a startup (~30 people) this Friday and they have just been so strange with the offboarding. It started with no acknowledgement from leadership when I handed my notice in 2 months ago (they work with me almost daily – never brought it up and only mentioned re-hiring in a wider team meeting once).
Now I’m two days away and there’s been no company announcement beyond my small, immediate team, no exit interviews scheduled, no arranging to collect my devices, no equity info. This doesn’t read petty to me fyi, just lazy.
I don’t want to have to remind a (very experienced) HR person to have to do their job but I’m also pretty angry at this all and not quite sure what to do. Beyond the equity buyout which I will be following up on for obvious reasons, I feel quite conflicted about how much I should act here and how much I should just ride this out and run as far away as possible.
Figure out which stuff will be more of a hassle for you if it doesn’t get addressed before it leaves (probably just equity info and device return) and address that stuff yourself. If they don’t want to do the rest of the normal departure things, so be it. (For what it’s worth, it’s not necessarily that weird that they’re not doing an exit interview — not everywhere does — but they’re definitely being weird about not telling people, not talking to you about transition items, etc.)
2. Who pays?
When doing networking coffee dates, I know it’s typical that the person asking is the person who pays. How does it work if I’m asking a more senior person (such as a person who isn’t my direct supervisor but on that same level and in a supervisory role over others in my role) — do I pay since I’m the person asking to learn more from her? Or would it be weird if I paid since she is more senior in my company?
If you did the inviting, you should plan to pay. The more senior person is likely to offer to pay and if they do you can let them — but go in assuming you’re paying as the invitation-issuer.
1. Debt relief versus a bad job
I’m in a job-based student loan repayment program. If I stick it out, the equivalent of half my loans will be paid off, which is huge for me. Problem is my job sucks. The culture is cliquey and toxic, the boss is volatile and codependent, and the work is unfulfilling. I have less than two years I have to stay, and leaving early would mean paying back the program. But it’s hard to put up with this place and feel myself die a little bit each day.
New to the workplace, is this an adulting thing you just put up with?
Only you can decide if it’s worth it to you, but half your loans paid off and less than two years to go? I’d stick it out unless it’s unsafe, you’re being harassed, or something else truly intolerable. (That said, if you could move to another job that would still qualify you for the repayment program, look into that!)
