Listening is really tough.
Hearing is easy enough, as long as your ears work properly. But, listening? That’s hard.
When we’re having a conversation with someone else, we often spend a good deal of time doing what psychologists call “listening to respond.” Couples counselor Kari Rusnak, LPC, CMHC, BC-TMH wrote at Pyschology Today
When we listen to respond we are taking points from the speaker and thinking about and developing our response. But when we do that we aren’t really focusing on the speaker. We are distracted and may miss what they are saying. We also tend to jump right into our response when they stop speaking. This doesn’t show the speaker that we heard what was said or even that we understood it. This can lead to the speaker feeling unheard and unimportant and can frustrate them.
Now, heaven knows I don’t want you to pretend that workplace relationships are the same as marital relationships. (Please, please don’t!) However, the listening problem is not exclusive to couples.
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If your boss calls you into his office and the HR manager is sitting there, you immediately tense up, knowing you are about to get into big trouble. And, so naturally, you start building your defense. And as your boss speaks, you’re likely to build your counterarguments in your head rather than listening to the whole spiel of what the problem is.
This can cause you to miss what you need to hear and prevent you from actually addressing the problem. (And unlike a marriage where you’re equal, in the workplace, your boss is the boss, and as long as what they want you to do isn’t illegal, immoral, or a violation of policy, you pretty much need to do it. Dang it, if your boss wants the RFP written in Comic Sans, Comic Sans it is!)
What on earth does this have to do with improv?
We can have coherent conversations with others while we focus on our response because, let’s face it, most of the time we can predict precisely what the other person is going to say. Most meetings are not thrilling tales involving unexpected information! But sometimes there is, and sometimes we miss it because we are planning our response.
In the world of improv comedy, you have to learn to really listen because literally anything can happen. The audience may set the scene for you in a bank, and before you start, you may think, “I’m going to play the police officer who stops a robbery in this scene!” But before you can open your mouth, your scene partner throws his hands in the air and says, “You can take all the money, just don’t hurt me!”
Now you’re the robber, and you have to throw out all previous thoughts and do something entirely new. The scene will be a disaster if you say, “No, ma’am, I’m the police officer here to stop the robbery. You must be the robber!” It’s a “no, but” disaster.
So we work on listening skills. One of my favorite listening skills games is Headlines.
How to play Headlines
Person 1 gives a headline. Then person 2 gives a headline, but their headline must start with the last word of person 1’s headline. And so on and so forth.
Person 1: A Study shows HR Professionals Are More Beautiful than Salespeople
Person 2: Salespeople Are the BackBone of Any Organization
Person 3: Organization is the Key to Olympic Success
Person 4: Success Is Possible with Only Three Simple Steps!
The key is that you cannot start thinking about what you’re going to say until the other person has finished speaking. You are forced to listen.
Do this enough and you get in the habit of waiting until the end.
Why should you do this at work? Well becaues your coworkers deserve your respect and your listening ear. And maybe you’ll learn something. If, instead of having your brain go straight into response mode, you try going into learning mode first.
It’s okay to have a pause in the conversation while you ponder what you’re going to say. It’s okay to ask a question for clarification before you respond.
What’s the payoff? Doesn’t this just take more time? I know what they are going to say!
Do you though? You think you do! You say you want to have new ideas! You want people to “think outside the box!” And then you assume you know precisely what other people will say and cut them off (either literally or in your head) before they can present a new and exciting idea.
If you wait until the end, you have so many more opportunities to learn new things. So many opportunities to come up with new ideas. You can stop being defensive. It’s an amazing thing.
So, in your next staff meeting, play a round of Headlines and get people to wait to think. It has great benefits!
The secret pro-method of mastering this skill
Headlines is a fun game, but other methods can help you in the moment. You can do the same thing in a normal conversation, but force yourself to start your sentence with the last letter of the last word the previous person said. It works the same way and is generally not obvious.
And special other secret pro tip: If you don’t repeat the same word or letter, but do reiterate the same idea the previous person said, they start to think you’re really smart. For example
Person 1: Q2 has been kicking our behinds. We should seriously consider revamping our marketing plans for Q3 to ensure we’re on track to meet our year-end goals.
Person 2: Year-end goals are super important. Let’s take a look at the current marketeing.
NOT
Person 1: Q2 has been kicking our behinds. We should seriously consider revamping our marketing plans for Q3 to ensure we’re on track to meet our year-end goals.
Person 2: So what you’re saying is we should revamp our marketing plans to ensure we’re on track to meet our year-end goals.
This way is super-duper annoying and condescending. Don’t do it.
Now, go forth and listen before you speak!
