I (39F) was diagnosed with ASD in mid 2024. The process was neither easy nor cheap, but I have the diagnosis in hand now. I feel validated and more comfortable with my personal identity now. I do not generally hide that I have ASD, but I also don’t go out of my way to announce it.
I work as a librarian at a small university. Since I started in my role a few years ago, I have had a difficult time figuring out my relationship with my director, L. One day she will criticize my knowledge of librarianship. The next day she will be downright jovial, coming to me to casually chat about our work. Then for the next several days she will shut herself up in her office and not be open conversation of any kind. I consider myself lucky if I get so much as a bland greeting those days. The other librarian, B, absolutely despises L, a feeling which appears to be mutual.
During my first year, I barely noticed these patterns beyond the fact that L had no interest in training me and little appetite to converse with me. I am hardly a social butterfly myself, so I thought nothing of it. On top of that, I was the first person hired at my institution to fill this role. While I had done similar duties in my previous jobs, this one had far more responsibilities and pressure to meet metrics. But I was soon able to breathe enough to pay attention to things beyond my core duties. I found the department atmosphere increasingly untenable as I would go days without speaking to anyone, be suddenly reprimanded for stepping out of boundaries I was never aware of, and then almost immediately praised for my great work. I didn’t know where I stood given the mixed messages and had no one to talk to about it. B would only badmouth L, and I had grown very cautious about speaking with L myself.
In addition to that, I was given an office that shares a wall with the extremely loud electrical transformer for the building. The best analogy I can think of is being in that office is like sitting in an idling car for hours. A few minutes isn’t bad, but being there for hours is simply exhausting. Again, I was simply too preoccupied when I first started to worry about something like that. But my awareness increased as I became less focused on creating my role.
These two issues left me feeling mentally and emotionally drained every single day by the time I came home. Not knowing what to do, I stewed in my thoughts until I just…went to HR one day. It was very spontaneous, but I did my best to explain everything. I thought the conversation, and those that came after, went well.
It did not go well. Since then, HR has sent three follow up memos to me. They include language minimizing the issues I brought, accusing me of unprofessional things I absolutely did not do, and questioning my ability to do my job successfully. They came across as patronizing, accusatory, and disbelieving of my disability. Despite this, L has been significantly more open to speaking with me since then, providing me with more consistent communication. Maintenance has improved my office in small ways that, while it does not eliminate the noise, have helped a lot overall.
In retrospect, I feel like I should have done something differently. But I’m not sure what that would have been. Speaking with my department head would not have changed her behavior, and she has made it clear to me in the past that speaking with any other administrator would be overstepping. My reaction to my office noise likely appeared sudden, but I couldn’t think of a way to bring it up after this many years without bringing up my ASD. Frankly, I shouldn’t have brought my disability into it at all, since I could have easily brought my issues up without it. I guess at the time I figured that would be the most likely way for people to take me seriously.
Now the cat’s out of the bag. HR must think I’m an irresponsible, probably-not-really-autistic loose cannon. And all of this is coming out at the same time it is becoming increasingly scary to be 1) a librarian, 2) working in a university, 3) with ASD in the USA. I am absolutely terrified that my institution will need to close due to budget cuts or I will just flat out lose my job if the federal administration starts going after people with ASD. The university may just decide to remove liability while also saving money when that happens by letting me go. My skills are 95% academic, and I have no idea how to find a job outside of academia. These thoughts fill me with true existential dread. How can I fix this? How scared should I be?
Thanks for your time and consideration. Any advise would be appreciated.
