A reader writes:
I have a senior role in a large architecture and engineering company, and my partner is an academic. I sometimes ask him for advice on how to handle a thorny problem at work and occasionally ask him to read something I’ve written. My partner, on the other hand, regularly asks for my help in core aspects of his job — putting together a spreadsheet to organize marking for courses, fixing up formatting on PowerPoint slides, shortening grant applications to meet word-count requirements, drafting sensitive emails, etc. My partner also often talks through ideas for papers, which I really like doing.
For some of these tasks, I am better at the software and can do them much more quickly, while for others my partner is asking for my help because he is slammed with work or has a tight deadline or needs another pair of hands and knows I will do a good job.
On the one hand, it feels like partners in a marriage should help each other when needed but on the other hand, sometimes it feels like I’m doing the work for my partner, when I have my own demanding job to do. So my question is, what is the range of “normal” within relationships for how much spouses help each other with their jobs?
The way you’re doing it — asking for advice on how to handle a thorny problem or to read over something you’ve written — is typical and fine. The way your partner is doing it — asking you to actually perform pieces of his job — is not.
Some of it is the cumulative effect. It wouldn’t be a big deal if he asked you once for help fixing the formatting on a PowerPoint. But when he’s regularly asking you to do what’s essentially admin support, that crosses a line. You’re not his administrative assistant, and if he needs that kind of help, that’s a problem for his workplace to solve, not a burden he should expect you to take on. It’s definitely not appropriate to turn to you because he’s busy and “needs another pair of hands.” That’s work. That’s something his employer is paying him for, not you, and maybe they need to pay someone who isn’t him but it should go to an employee, not a supportive partner who’s willing to do it for free.
Moreover, in a lot of jobs, there would be enormous confidentiality problems with giving a non-employee access to those kinds of materials.
You are not an “extra pair of hands” for your partner’s employer. You can be a sounding board and someone he can brainstorm with. You should not be doing his actual work.
