Here are five updates from past letter-writers.
1. Is it weird to incorporate martial arts at my job? (first update)
I’ve got one more update for you.
You know how I mentioned contamination risks? We ended up having a contamination issue (unrelated to the question I asked) that took over a year to recover from. That, combined with a long commute, an average of 45 hour weeks with little notice when I’d have to stay late (including weekend shifts on a lot of the ones that exceeded 45), pressure to cut down on the overtime with no relaxation of deadlines to compensate, and quite a bit of personal stuff made for a really rough time. I was also stuck in the job for the duration due to the golden handcuffs of benefits that perfectly aligned with my needs for dealing with the personal stuff.
I tried to somewhat tone down my martial arts influenced movements, but I was limited in how much I could since many of those movements could actually be adapted to really help my endurance while replacing everything in the building except most of the walls, performing a crazy amount of cleaning, and inspecting everything at the end to ensure the highest contamination risks had been addressed. (We had contractors for the wall replacement and other construction work but we had to do pretty much all the other labor.) I also needed to frequently stim to regulate my emotions during this stressful time (as I said in my update, I’m probably autistic, though I currently see little benefit to seeking a formal evaluation), so that also made it harder to tone it down.
But that’s all leading up to some good news: I’ve left and am now at my first true office job! It’s great, with consistent 40 hour weeks, flexible hours, hybrid wfh, and work that I am passionate about and find interesting. Though I’m still sometimes tempted to do a stance or something at my sit-stand desk when my body is craving something more dynamic than sitting or normal standing, I’ve so far been able to limit it to being unusually smooth when I kneel down to get something from the low drawer in a filing cabinet (maybe happens a couple times a month) and occasionally (
2. Why does my coworker hate me?
Since writing that letter, things seemed to temporarily spiral with my coworker. I ignored her rude behavior and tried to focus on my other relationships, but ultimately, things came to a head when she accidentally sent me a Teams message that was intended for another coworker. The content of the message was gossip about me, which confirmed my suspicions that she disliked me. I stood up for myself by saying her that her message was unprofessional and disrespectful.
I also went to my manager with screenshots of the unintended message, her rude interactions with me, and the job postings she sent. I told her that my colleague’s treatment of me needed to be flagged because she would treat the next person that she disliked this way, and it was interfering with my morale. Unfortunately, my manager seemed to brush it off — she framed it as a personality issue and ignored that it was beginning to interfere with work. That was also disappointing.
Luckily, I got accepted to graduate school around this time. Additionally, my firm underwent some restructuring as several people had resigned. My coworker and I began working on separate teams, so we didn’t have to constantly collaborate anymore. I ended up really enjoying my last few months there!
To this day, I am still unsure why my colleague disliked me. However, based on past interactions with her, I suspect she is an insecure person who had some sort of envy towards me. I don’t know what she would be envious of, but that’s my best guess.
3. Will having two two-year job stints damage my career? (#5 at the link)
I am incredibly grateful for your decision to publish my letter. When I wrote it, I was feeling hopeless. Your advice and the supportive comments from readers have been a tremendous source of comfort.
Many readers asked if a two-year stint is normal in my industry. Initially, I thought it wasn’t. However, after researching the LinkedIn profiles of industry veterans I admire, I discovered that many have had similar short-term positions. Some even had one-year stints and went on to prestigious roles.
This revelation completely changed my perspective on my resume. I no longer feel ashamed or hopeless about my career. I had valid reasons for leaving my previous employer after enduring two years of workplace abuse. Despite the short stint, I still deserve a fulfilling career.
4. I’m the weakest link on my team
Many thanks to you and to the commenters for such an encouraging response. I am still in my current position, but I feel better about it. As several commenters spotted, I have depression, and that was seriously coloring my perception of my place on the team. I’m not the weakest link. Like everyone on my team, I have areas of strength and weaknesses. I never complete the most work, but I don’t always complete the least. I lamented in my letter that a new hire was assigned to redo my work, but in retrospect that was because it was an easy task for her since my mistakes were minor. I’ve had some successful projects in the past few months and that has helped me recognize the value I am bringing. I’m solving my problems more independently and getting more comfortable asking about the things I still need to understand. It turns out other members of my team had many of the same confusions I had!
That said, I’m still not really thriving in this position. My moody manager makes it hard to keep this positive mindset. Also, unusually for people in my field, I spend 20% of my time directly interfacing with customers and I still feel completely unprepared and unsuited for that. My friends echo your advice and urge me to apply to other positions where I’ll be happier. I’m not enthusiastic about the idea, because it was so hard for me to get to this place of confidence and I don’t want to start from scratch again! But I’ve committed to at least getting my resume in shape, so we’ll see.
5. Am I being a brat about not getting promoted?
As the commenters suggested, I did go back to my boss to ask for more feedback and/or a plan for giving me more interesting work, as he had promised. He completely blew me off, which was pretty out of character for him after years of (I thought) supporting me, and only added to my confusion and disillusionment. It eventually came out that the person who was hired was a long-time friend of my boss, who had left a previous position after a high-profile spat with leadership and ended up in a new job she didn’t like. I think he was assuming I would get over it and keep doing my job without complaint, and he hoped the whole thing would just blow over.
I had already started looking for a new job in earnest, and I got an offer one month to the day after I got the news about the promotion. Of course, my boss and grandboss were SHOCKED that I was leaving, especially so soon. After the announcement went out that I was leaving, rumors started to spread about the circumstances of the new person’s hire (which I did NOT start or encourage) and my departure was on kind of a sour note, unfortunately. I don’t think there was much I could have done to change that, but it was a bummer after years of good work.
I’ve now been at my new company for a few months and it’s a breath of fresh air. The work is more interesting, I make more money, I have a much better title, and there’s SO much less drama. I talked to a former coworker recently and it sounds like the person who was hired is not doing great. She has a lot of experience with the general type of work, but not in the specific industry, and she keeps making bad decisions because she doesn’t understand the full context and apparently won’t listen to the people who do. As I’m writing this, I feel like it will seem made up because of the sheer number of AAM tropes involved, but it truly happened in the most stereotypical way possible.
Ultimately, I know I dodged a bullet, and although it was a crappy experience I am grateful to have landed in a good place. Many thanks to you and the commenters for your advice and commiseration!
