A reader writes:
I work in a small office (less than 15 of us). There’s pretty low turnover so most of us have been around for at least a year, most of us more.
I have one coworker, Paige, who is great at her job and really personable around everyone … except me. She was hired almost a year before I was. At first things seemed fine, but after a couple of months, it started to become really obvious there was a problem. She would correct me a LOT (even on things that either didn’t actually matter — think order of tasks — or weren’t actually incorrect), and she stopped chatting with me, even though we worked pretty closely due to the nature of our positions. This continued for months — random “corrections,” short and angry when she did have to talk to me, ignoring me when she didn’t. It was different than how she’d behave with other coworkers — laughing, chatting, talking about life stuff, making jokes about our work, etc. If I would chime in, she would clam up or even leave the room.
I recently took a different position a couple of months ago, one where I’m not really working directly with Paige, but due to the small office, everyone still sees and is around each other all the time. She still tries to find ways to “correct” me and is even less polite. She completely ignores me and my presence now unless she absolutely has to respond. If I say “good morning” when she walks by and there’s no one else in the area, she doesn’t even look at me, but if I have to ask her a question or someone else is around, she will answer.
This isn’t technically affecting my ability to do my work — she answers if I need to ask her something — but in all honesty, it’s disheartening. Everyone else in the office is fine and friendly with me. I don’t have to be best friends with my coworkers, but general politeness seems like a decent baseline to expect. I have no idea what about me has rubbed her the wrong way. I don’t think it matters, but we’re both women, and she’s about 10 years younger than me.
Is there anything you see here that I can do or change, or do I just need to suck it up, buttercup? Am I expecting too much?
You are not expecting too much; general civility should be a baseline expectation at work. Paige doesn’t need to socialize with you if she doesn’t want to, but she does need to speak with you politely, return basic pleasantries like “good morning” rather than pretending you’re not there (and the fact that she does it when other people are present indicates she knows that), and not aggressively correct you on things that are none of her business.
Most of us have worked with someone we don’t much like before, and reasonable people — professional people — mature people — manage to deal with that without blasting arctic air all over them.
There might not be much you can do about it, but you can try if you want to. At some point when you’re one-on-one with Paige, you could ask calmly ask about it. For example:
* “Have I done something to upset or offend you? That was never my intention and I’d want to make it right if I did.”
* “If I stepped on your toes or bothered you in some way, I’d be grateful to know so I can handle it differently.”
* “You’ve made it clear you don’t want to interact with me, but I’d appreciate a basic level of civility. Is there something I’ve done that makes that impossible?”
* “The way you treat me around the office really feels awful. Is this something we can fix?”
It might not work. She might ignore this too. Or she might act as if you’re unreasonable for thinking there’s a problem. But sometimes — not always, but sometimes — when people who behave like this are called out on it, they change their behavior. It might or might not work, but you wouldn’t be risking much by giving it a try.
Also, in an office this small, Paige’s behavior has got to be visible to other coworkers, and it sucks if none of them have taken her aside and said, “Hey, your behavior to Jane is really obvious and you should cut it out” or at least asked what’s up. You can’t really ask someone to do that for you, but if your boss is one of the people who should have noticed it, they’re being negligent by not stepping in.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
