I always say that the moment I became an adult was the end of my 1st week at college, two or three weeks before I turned 18.
I was heading home for the weekend. Our lecturer’s watch was broken and he let us out a few minutes earlier than we were meant to finish, so I decided to take an earlier train home. I felt really grown up, making my own travel plans, until I was about 10 minutes into the journey and suddenly thought, “what if my dad came up to meet me?” He was a bit overprotective, I was the oldest and the first to go away to college, so it was a thing he might do. And this was the time before mobile phones were common.
He hadn’t. It was all fine. But it made me realise that being an adult and being independent wasn’t about “I can do whatever I like now.” It was about having to be the person to think through the possible consequences and the impact not just on yourself, but on others.
I think that is what makes a person an adult. A child thinks, “I have to do well in school or Mammy and Daddy will tell me off/ground me/won’t buy me a new phone” or “the teacher will get cross.” A lot of the motivation is external. It’s all somebody else’s responsibility. If the teacher doesn’t “check” to see if they have done their homework, it’s fine not to do it. If mammy or daddy doesn’t ask them to do a chore, there is no reason to do it.
An adult should be able to do things like see a chore that needs doing and do it, not because their parents or spouse or whoever they live with will tell them off if it’s not done but just because it needs to be done and it’s their responsibility as much as anybody’s else. If they are at college, their motivation for good grades should not be “so my mum and dad don’t get cross.” It should be because of the benefits to their future career or because they take pride in their work.
I don’t think the “social markers” of adulthood mean much.
Having a job? One of my colleagues told us she started working at 11. Doesn’t mean she was more adult at 11 than a 40 year old on disability or who is a stay-at-home parent.
Having a child? Again, teens can get pregnant. Doesn’t make them adults. And there are plenty of immature, irresponsible parents out there. I don’t think a parent who neglects their child to go partying is more “adult” than a childless adult who cares for their elderly parents or who is a successful doctor.
Getting married? I’ve known of people for whom getting married allowed them not to grow up as their husband or wife pretty much took over from their parents in organising their life and it went from “I must do my chores/get good grades because my parents will be cross if I don’t” to “I must do my chores and keep my job because my spouse will be cross if I don’t.”
Buying a house? If we use markers like that, then being an adult just depends on money, not anything innate.
Learning to drive? Again, there are 16 year olds who drive and 60 year olds who don’t. I am pretty sure, for the most part, the latter are more adult.
The only one that strikes me as in any way relevant is having a child. Not that parents are “more adult” than childless adults, but I do think some people become “more adult” after having a child, due to the added responsibility. But of course, having to care for an elderly or disabled person or getting a very responsible job could have the same impact, so even that doesn’t make you an “adultier-adult” than others.
If a 16 year old gets pregnant/gets a girl pregnant and they get married (in Ireland, that would probably mean running away up north) and the boy gets a job, that…doesn’t make them adults.
On the other hand, if a 40 year old is disabled and unable to work or live alone and is single and childless, that doesn’t mean they are any less of an adult, not if they behave like an adult.
Some of the markers do possibly show you “got it together” enough to get a job/raise a child/learn to drive/finish college, but then I know people who did all these things extremely badly or had somebody – maybe a parent or spouse who arranged a lot of it for them.
